It's my 35th birthday - and no - I'm not excited about that - AT ALL.
See - my best friend in the entire world has a habit of saying awful things on our birthdays (we're a month apart). She started it at 25 by saying, "Hey, we're halfway to 50!" Evil skank! Well this year - that came back.
WE'RE HALFWAY TO 70!
Are you effing kidding me?????? Why would you do that to me???? I've known you since you were 3! I buy wonderful, amazing gifts for your gorgeous little boy! And you hit me with halfway to 70! Again I say - EVIL SKANK! (Just kidding Amy - I love ya!)
So - yes - I'm turning 35 on Saturday. I always said - when I was in my 20s - that if I hadn't had kids by the time I was...you guessed it...35, that I would just have my own! Find a hot guy in a bar, get him liquored up and get knocked up. Cuz dude - if I'm birthing a child - I'm at least having the 5 minutes of joy involved to get knocked up!
So here I am - 35 - single - no kids - looking that 22 year old twit of a former self in the face and saying - YOU WERE AN IDIOT! My eggs aren't dried up - I have more time! So now - I'm saying if I'm 45 and still not married and sans little beasts - then I'll adopt or be a foster parent.
Anyway - back to the dreaded day - I had to make the awfulness of turning 35 be circumvented with something fun that would take my mind off of it all. Well - then I get an email - TAYLOR HICKS IS TEEN ANGEL IN GREASE ON BROADWAY!
Most people would shudder, laugh or hit delete - but not me! I called my best girlfriend Scott (he's not gay - but he's just like a girlfriend only he has a penis) and said - "Let's go to NYC!" He used to live there and will jump on any chance to get back to the big city. Sure enough - he fell for it without even asking why!
So - then - when he's inebriated - I tell him why - he's too drunk on red wine to care and says SURE!!!!
So it's settled - Taylor Hicks in Grease on my 35th Birthday. What could be better????
But wait - there's more!!! I know - you're saying - what Heather? What could be better? How could there be more?
Well - last Thursday I got an email saying that they were selling special packages to the show where you could...get ready for it...sit down I don't want you falling over like I did...
I CAN MEET TAYLOR IN HIS DRESSING ROOM AFTER THE SHOW!!!!!!
Well I immediately drop the $500 for the 2 tickets and 2 passes - yes - $500 - does it go to charity? No - but who cares - $500 in the grand scheme of the world to meet the person I've been swooning over for years? It's worth it!!!!
There was an alternate package for $100 less where I could meet him on stage. My coworker wisely said "Pop for the extra $100 - in his dressing room - you could do him."
How? Trip and fall on his *!#$?
He said, "Yup - just don't wear any panties."
So who knows, I might be pregnant by the time I'm 35 after all. (Oh that's horrible - did I just say that?)
(p.s. There will be photos Tuesday of my fabulous, wonderful birthday with Taylor Hicks. And if you happen to be reading this and saying "Who the F is Taylor Hicks???" - ugh - don't even talk to me!)